Insomnium

Where to begin?
I can't believe I'm down this road with him again. You would think I could just pull up my sleeves and move on. I can't. I don't want to. I'm weak. I love him so very much. He and I still talk like nothing ever changed, as if he hasn't been telling me he wants to move on, that he misses me, and I even catch the old pet names now and again and he doesn't seem to realize it. I feel such assurance, such warmth in those moments- perhaps I only cherish them because they are the ashes I am left with. I don't want to cry to him because I fear it will drive him further away...but what's left to lose? He tells me he's still leaning in the direction of moving on.
I wish I could tell him I would rather swallow a blade than succumb to this heartache.
I feel I've exhausted my pull when I tell him I'm going to disappear from his life. When I say it I have every intention of doing so, but I always fail. The panic is too much, the racing thoughts...I have no peace from them. I sit up at night crying, begging, praying, pleading to no one until sleep finally puts my thoughts to rest. Then I rise again, it seems instantly, and feel the full sting of reality again- and literal pain too. The tightness in my chest, my inability to catch my breath, my joints scream with every toss and turn. Then the tears come, hot and wet as they are. I feel abandoned.
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It's morning now. I cried to him last night...such a fool
In my dream there was a song like a lullaby ending with the line "I'll be your forever" and although I don't remember the majority of it now, I woke up with tears in my eyes and a tight knot in my chest. I don't want to face the day. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to lay here in my dark room and rot until another comes in and makes me forget him.

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i told him everything.
i'm slightly disgusted with myself.
with him.

i feel numb.