Where to begin?
I can't believe I'm down this road with him again. You would think I could just pull up my sleeves and move on. I can't. I don't want to. I'm weak. I love him so very much. He and I still talk like nothing ever changed, as if he hasn't been telling me he wants to move on, that he misses me, and I even catch the old pet names now and again and he doesn't seem to realize it. I feel such assurance, such warmth in those moments- perhaps I only cherish them because they are the ashes I am left with. I don't want to cry to him because I fear it will drive him further away...but what's left to lose? He tells me he's still leaning in the direction of moving on.
I wish I could tell him I would rather swallow a blade than succumb to this heartache.
I feel I've exhausted my pull when I tell him I'm going to disappear from his life. When I say it I have every intention of doing so, but I always fail. The panic is too much, the racing thoughts...I have no peace from them. I sit up at night crying, begging, praying, pleading to no one until sleep finally puts my thoughts to rest. Then I rise again, it seems instantly, and feel the full sting of reality again- and literal pain too. The tightness in my chest, my inability to catch my breath, my joints scream with every toss and turn. Then the tears come, hot and wet as they are. I feel abandoned.
----


It's morning now. I cried to him last night...such a fool
In my dream there was a song like a lullaby ending with the line "I'll be your forever" and although I don't remember the majority of it now, I woke up with tears in my eyes and a tight knot in my chest. I don't want to face the day. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to lay here in my dark room and rot until another comes in and makes me forget him.

---
i told him everything.
i'm slightly disgusted with myself.
with him.

i feel numb.

God cried the night I tore you from the sky
and now the stars themselves admire the shine
the twinkle in your eye
it's mine
it's mine
it's mine
You are the burning in my soul
and you have been for awhile
and you are the reason for my pain
and you are the reason for my smile

Mother Nature pulls you towards the earth
anticipating the day you return to her
but its not her turn
its mine
its mine
its mine

You are the burning in my soul
and you have been for awhile
and you are the reason for my pain
and you are the reason for my smile
 

Just as you pierced my heart
and  filled it with light
so did fire pierce you lungs
and filled them with ice
and I had to watch you die
and I had to watch you die

How could I just stand by?
Why am I still alive?
how could I forgive you
how could I not save you

You are the burning in my soul
and you have been for awhile
and you are the reason for my pain
and you are the reason for my smile

and you are the emptiness inside
and you are the reason I'm alive

and you are the balance I denied
and you are the light

and you will be missed.

I want


to be needed.

stranger don't ignore me.
i've made the intrepid step into muddy waters
stranger
i want to bewitch you
to reach you
and ensnare that beating thing
then coddle the wound
(and gorge the splendor of life)

with such violence
i want to be needed by you


it will take time but i will send the serpents
somehow i will have satisfaction
bitter as it may be

my body will be my retribution when all that covers me is gone. how it would twist in your eyes
and enslave your will
if you need me now
it will be your gift
otherwise it will be your desertion.

for now, I can seed my thoughts and fester in disgust for the monster in the reflection
the larded beast which steals my name and consumes my thoughts
this thing cannot be me. With emptiness and fight I will be that girl I pretend to be.
I will be the woman you would kill to touch.